The Big Tissue

What is it good for?

It’s official. We are at war. The bubbling resentment between England and Argentina took another unsavoury turn this week. While we sent the Duke of Cambridge over to the Falklands, in a fit of rage they threw the decidedly more volatile Carlos Tevez in our direction, primed to do more damage than any battleship ever could.

But if that’s the way they want to play it. Ready to deliver a sharp burst of retaliation, Frankie Cocozza, Lee Cattermole and the cast of The Only Way is Essex are at Dover, preparing to sail off for full-scale conflict.

When the war effort really kicks in there will be rationing and there will be bunkers so you’re going to have to make the most of what peace time we’ve got left. Good news for you, then, that we’ve got enough weekend betting advice to ensure you’ll be able to stock up on plenty of premium European lager and digestive biscuits to last you for the duration of the conflict.

BRITONS, MIKE HOLDEN WANTS YOU…to have a look at his FA Cup preview. Sporting a full Lord Kitchener imitation moustache after an arduous trip to Porto, he’s backing a pair of Championship sides to do the business in round five.

Paddy Power are doing their bit for the campaign; they’re refunding all losing first scorer, correct score and scorecast singles if Sunderland score first but fail to win in their Saturday evening cup clash with Arsenal.

Coral are getting in on the act too, with their 'fight back cash back' offer. If a team wins from a losing position in any live FA Cup fifth round game or Scottish Premier League match, they’ll refund all losing first or last scorer bets, scorecast and correct score bets.

Betfair’s fifth round fives offer also gives you a chance to recoup some of your losses – click here for more, we’ve got to move on, these perishable cheeses in the fringe won’t eat themselves, there won’t be fridges in the bunkers.

That fixture at the Stadium of Light, as well as Sunday’s games Crawley v Stoke and Stevenage v Tottenham also feature in Betfred’s double delight and hat-trick heaven promotion. Back a player for first goalscorer and if he manages two or three goals, they’ll double or treble the original first scorer price. You’ll just have to hope Nicklas Bendtner is injured.

So determined is Mike to make you profit (he’s pointing at you) he’s taken time out from packing tinned Spam and jerry cans into his basement hideout to seek out the value in the Football League, with selections in the Championship, League One and League Two.

If that wasn’t enough, Mike Lindley has made the most of peace time to eye up the Conference. Holding back the tears in the knowledge that he’ll soon be evacuated to the countryside with only a dog-eared Panini sticker book from 1995 for company (still missing a Jason Wilcox shiny), he’s backing Gateshead at Forest Green.

Bet365 are determined for us to enjoy these final days; they’ll refund losing pre-match correct score, half time/full time, or scorecasts if that match ends in a goalless draw. That’s one upside to wartime, there will only be charity games featuring guest players and they’ll all finish 20-19.

Meanwhile, Sam Dymond has defected to Europe, which is so far unaffected by the Tevez conflict. Wait ‘til he moves to Inter, see how you like it then, continentals.

Sam’s enjoying a late Valentine’s Day in the city of love where he’ll have his eyes fixed on Montpellier’s Olivier Giroud. When he draws his stare – the sort of stare which he’ll consider romantic but the Gendarmes probably won’t – away from the action in France, Sam looks ahead at the games in Germany, Spain and Italy.

They’ll be joining us in the war effort soon, but for the time being, it’s time to make all the money you can before the kids start asking ‘daddy, what did you bet on in the war?’ Just imagine their poor faces if you have to explain away a trip to B&Q instead of lumping on an FA Cup tie.

Best of the action

Chelsea v Birmingham (Saturday 12:30)
Leeds v Doncaster (Saturday 15:00)
Crawley v Stoke (Sunday 12:00)
Stevenage v Tottenham (Sunday 14:00)
Paris Saint-Germain v Montpellier (Sunday 20:00)
Barcelona v Valencia (Sunday 20:30)